The trouble with getting older.

I spent the day in OU with Mashi yesterday, we were walking and talking about silly girly stuff when suddenly she GASPED in horror as she reached out and pointed out a single grey hair on my head.

I should have smacked her. (jk mashi, lol)

My FIRST UBAN!!! Holy crap, it's a total wake up call!

I am 27 years OLD!

is it normal for people to have grey hairs at 27? I'm so paranoid now. Haih.

Shut Up, I'm Fabulous!!

Wardrobe suicide.

Argh i am having the worst luck lately.

two of my bags and a pair of my favourite flats have committed suicide. My flats practically broke in half (still wondering how thats possible) and my bags seem to have developed this condition where all the leather/pvc bits have started to peel. both at the same time.

My fave Charles and Keith bag.

gross. -_-

i wonder what is triggering this effect. is my shoulder made of acid? i really have no clue.

now i have to add buy flats, and new bag on my list of this months to-do list.

my problem is im really cheap, and i dont really like buying flats. somehow i always end up buying a pair of fancy heels instead.

i wear flats because its comfortable, and its safer to carry mahdi around if im not worried about tripping over myself.

but i much rather spend my money on something i genuinely like. furthermore, i find flats to be slightly more expensive than heels somehow. which is somewhat weird to me.

I mean, honestly which would you pick?

Project Me Me Me.

Ever since i've started working again, ive decided to be kind to myself and start rewarding myself from time to time. I've also decided to put some serious effort into my appearance, because lets face it. i've definitely been too comfortable and i've let myself go. (as you can see in this picture taken below.)

As you can CLEARLY see in this picture
- my hair is dry and gross.
- I'm horrendously overweight... last night i scaled in at a whopping 90kgs.   Woh.
- my skin is dull and pale
- my back hurts all the time
- my bones are creaky (ok, this cannot see, but im telling you)
- as you can see, my neck is slowly vanishing as my chin expands. Not acceptable.
- and somehow i feel like my teeth have moved and my gums are receding, making my more 'jongang' than i previously was.

And to be fair, most of these are due to poor maintenance of myself after giving birth
ie: not drinking enuff milk. hence the creaky bones and the receeding gums due to an iron defiency i had during my pregnancy

my gym membership has been on hold for the past few months, so this November its going to be reactivated. And i will have no excuse but to go and get fit! 

I've been slowly paying more attention my skin and hair, more conditioning, using moisturizer before i sleep, those kind of things. However i found this GNC Hair, Skin & Nails Formula Supplement... does anyone know if it works? I was thinking of trying it out and see if it works. I've read mostly positive reviews so far.

I also recently had a haircut with bangs, which helped frame my face back a bit... so it doesn't look as huge as it did in the above photo.

As for my teeth, it's pretty obvious the solution is 'GO TO THE DENTIST'. But i'm stubborn and maybe i tiny bit afraid.. Which is so embarrassing as i am a grown woman.

Haih, no worries. Slowly but surely, i am going to fix all these things about myself, and hopefully be the happier, and no doubt hotter wife and mother. :)

I wish i had a million bucks.

Yesterday, i had a busy, busy productive day.

After breakfast and getting Mahdi cleaned and fed, we went to Symphony Heights to see a listing that our Realtor, CC had suggested.

Things i wish i had known before agreeing to see this house:
- I wish i knew it Symphony Heights was in Batu Caves.
- Wish i knew the unit was on the 24th floor.
- Wish i had declined in advance and not have wasted my time.

Honestly, the unit was pretty decent, huge living area, 3+1 rooms and 2 bathrooms, giant balcony with an amazing view of KLCC from every window.

 If only i could get over the height. Even right now we are living on the 16th floor and i won't let Mahdi anywhere near the windows or balcony.. ini 24th floor, and he's going to be walking soon... mmg no way la.

So the search continues, ideally i would love a landed property, but unfortunately it's crazily out of our price range, and we don't fancy living in freaking Shah Alam, which so far away from our family, friends, and work. Doesn't make much sense to compromise on living quality, just for a few extra sqft of a front yard..

Sigh.

Anyway, after the disappointing house viewing, i met up with Mashi in OU, and somehow she managed to get me into a make up makeover at the Chanel counter.

I have to say, i usually would never ever ever think of buying something so frivolously expensive for makeup. But i gotta say i'm converting. After the make over, i felt like a million bucks! That is saying something, since i'm so used to drugstore make up. Maybe it's worth to upgrade my standards a bit, gotta get out of this mentality that i can't afford nice things. I'm a working woman, earning a living. :)

Ok, maybe i should start somewhere in the middle and not go full out Chanel yet. Maybe i'll start small with maybe something from middle range brand... like Bobbi Brown or M.A.C? Still sticking to the under rm200 range, instead of jumping to rm200+ for a tiny bottle of concealer.

Hmm.. will ponder on this some more. Will keep you posted.

Sigh...

I've been in hell the last few days...

Mahdi had a slight fever (after his immunization shot), and has been needing a LOT of attention, and for some unexplained reason, suddenly is refusing to drink from his bottle... and to make matters worst, Muuzi was admitted in the hospital since Monday.. for a Gallbladder infection.

I've been shuffling back and forth with the baby to the hospital because i can't leave him at home, cuz as i mentioned he's refusing to bottlefeed. So i have to bring him everywhere i go, which is incredibly tiring....

Especially since Muuzi needs me now...

I felt like such a bad wife, leaving him to sleep alone in the hospital all those nights.. but i know Muuzi understands that Mahdi needs me more right now.

 

Mahdi all bundled up to visit ayah at DSH.

 

Muuzi in his hospital scrubs before he got discharged..

Luckily Muuzi is out now, and resting up at home, and Mahdi is back to his usual happy self. With the exception that he STILL won't drink from his bottle. Haih.

How la? Any moms out there who know how to go about this?

Me and my FLAT hair...

I need to go to a saloon and/or the gym....

or least go out and let my hair soak up some good old vitamin D (which comes from the sun, fyi)...

All this staying indoors is making my hair very flat, dull and lifeless... not to mention making me fat and lazy.

Seriously, i went from THIS....

     to this 

WTH!!

Lets not even get into the fact that picture 1, is about 10kgs lighter than picture 2.....

THIS IS UNfriggin ACCEPTABLE!!!!! I gotta do something about this now before this....

 

turns into

 

THIS!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

War scars..

Urgh.. These stretchmarks and the linea nigra mark does seem to be fading away yet...

I know its only been a few weeks, but i thought it'll at least fade a bit :(

No such luck..

I need to get some Bio Oil or something A.S.A.P.

 

urgghhhh.. go away pls?

Attack of the boobs.

It's day four and i am still surviving motherhood (cheers!)

Despite the intensely painful nipple problem i mentioned earlier, i am still breastfeeding..

I'm simply adamant to follow thru on this even if at the end of it my boobs deflate and will probably be worst for wear.

I did not however, expect the pain to get worse. :(

I woke up in the middle of last night to rock hard boobs... and a overwhelming amount of pain on my back. After a quick google i found out that i am currently going thru the 'engorgement' phase of breastfeeding.. basically it's when you run of on collestrum and start having real milk, which then fills up your breast like inflated water balloons (but less fun).

My mother scrambled to find the Tommee Tippee breastpump we had bought a few weeks ago (luckily) in preparation for the birth.. after a quick read of the instructions, i started pumping away the pain...

To my surprise, the nipple pain was relieved as well.. which was a blessing. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt like hell, but at least it was manageable.

I managed to express two small containers of milk, and then went back to sleep.. only to be woken up a couple more times that night by Mahdi..

By 7am this morning, i literally felt like dying. Forget the major abdominal surgery i had, my breast had forsaken me and were burning up. Those last few late night feeds took it's toll on my already fragile nipples and basically left them tattered.

I woke up to Mahdi crying for more milk (which he does every hour).. and i started crying too.

I felt like i should be able to be stronger than this, and give my baby everything he needs.. i was distraught. Finally Muuzi said we should use the milk that i expressed the previous night, at least that give my breast a few hours to rest and heal. I was reluctant to try.. because i had read about nipple confusion, and how newborns should wait at least 4 weeks before being introduced to bottle teats.. but i was desperate.

Mahdi took to the bottle like a champion, and i have to say i was relieved to not have to feed him for awhile.. My plan now is to alternate between a bottle and the breast so that he gets used to both, and i can get some rest and have some time to heal.

 

My little champion at 4 days old

Cracked to hell...

I never thought i would ever feel a worse pain than the contractions a had while in labor...

I was wrong. 

Warning TMI:
While trying to get accustomed to breastfeeding Mahdi, i somehow managed to get cracked nipples..

I swear.. it's the most painful thing ever.

Everyone tells you how painful giving birth is, but no one bothers to tell you how you will feel like absolute shit afterwards. It's come to the point when Mahdi cries for milk... i wanna cry too.

It's a real struggle cuz i am adamant on giving Mahdi breastmilk for as long as i can.. but it's only been a few days and i feel hopeless and want to give up already. :(

At least i can go home today... and Alia's buying me some Buds nipple cream thats suppose to help heal them. I really hope it works cuz i'm about to reach my pain limit.

Edit: So far this sort of works for immediate relief... but it's kind of gross cuz you have to let it dry up before putting on a bra. It's not like i have all the time in the world to go around topless, trying to dry out my nipples. So in this case the breastpump was the best cure.

Hello there Due Date.

URGHHHHH!!!!

I haven't been able to sleep for the pass two nights due to these increasingly painful contractions. I literally feel like crap right now.

Hoping this will all end soon, since today IS my due date after all. Muuzi took the day off work to be with me just incase anything went down... plus we had our Dr's appointment in selayang so he would have had to take half day anyway.

Anyway, that afternoon we made the trip to Selayang Hospital (for the 3rd time this week) to meet Dr. Roslan, who will be delivering our baby (hopefully soon).

To my dismay, he told me that the contractions that i am currently having are actually very mild (wtf!?) and i am definitely in pre-labor right now, so it's gonna take about a day... or three.

Honestly, my body just feels like it's going to self destruct... i know i am not suppose to complain so much and be positive.. blablabla.
But i've been stressing out about the due date for what seems like weeks now.. and for it to finally be here and have to be told to wait a little longer.

Arghhh.. i am tired, restless and stressed out of my mind.. and frankly i am starting to worry that everything will go terribly wrong. :(

Ask and you shall receive..

Urgh..

U know how i've been complaining about not getting my Braxton Hicks contractions and not really knowing what a contraction feels like?

I take it back..

I finally started getting contractions around 2am this morning.. And daaaammmnnn it hurts.

As per Dr's advice, we drove straight to the hospital in selayang and after another rigorous round of poking and prodding, i was told to go home.. Yet again.

I can't say i wasn't disappointed to be dismissed again (i might have cried.. a little, due to frustration). I was reassured that the baby is fine, and it won't be long now.

Am getting so anxious.. And these contractions are getting worst and more painful. I don't know how much more i can take :(

I am meeting with my OB, Dr Roslan on friday and hopefully we'll have better news by then.

Things i'm looking forward to...

The days are passing now faster then ever nowadays... almost like magic.

I'm on constant contraction watch, yet i'm not really sure what a contraction feels like... i tried reading about it but most of the blogs and forums all have different ideas of what a contraction feels like. But, most of them agree that when we get them, you know immediately.

But in my case, i have a rather high tolerance of pain and practically feel discomfort most of the time now and it's really starting to toy with my head... 'wait... was that a contraction? or is the baby trying to tear up my uterus from the inside?' and then it stops and a day later, still no baby.

However thru the constant anxiety of waiting to pop, i decided to focus on all the things i'm looking forward to doing when i am no longer pregnant (honestly, i feel like i've been pregnant forever)...

Here's a list of the 'Things i'm looking forward to'...

• Sleeping/Rolling on my tummy... i miss this so much, it's so unnatural.
• Eating a big helping of RAW sushi... with extra ebiko and fresh salmon!! yummmm..

• Jumping... Running... Dancing... things i wouldn't miss until they said i couldn't do it anymore.
• Climb ladders and lift heavy objects on my own.. and not wait around helplessly for people to decide to help me (which might take AEONS)
• Getting a JOB!!! Going back to work is my ultimate goal... even with a 7 month gap in my resume, i really, really want to work again... for fear i might lose my mind completely.
• Wearing JEANS!!!!!!! OMG, how i miss the felling of wearing a rusty, tight fitting pair of jeans... it's insane. After this i'm swearing off ALL ELASTIC PANTS.
• while we are on the subject of clothes, i can't wait to buy something that fits me normally... something that doesn't need to be stretchable would be nice..
• relatives/strange people-i-dont-know not being able to touch my belly sesuka hati mereka.. just because i'm sharing my body with another person, doesn't mean i wanna share it with you.
• I'm looking forward to not being pregnant... and oddly looking forward to being treated like a person who nobody cares about not like i'm made of glass and will shatter into a million pieces with the slightest mistreatment.
• But lastly, i'm just looking forward to meeting my little man, who's been keeping me up late at night with his kicking and moving around... i already have a feeling he's going to be a handful but i'm sure seeing him for the first time will make the last 9 months of not doing the things above, worth it.

Although i have a couple of weeks to go... i have a feeling that i might be celebrating a birthday sooner than expected. :)

Typical..

I knew this would happen.

As soon as i started pressuring myself to blog, i don't blog at all. My brain freezes and i can't seem to type...

So i'm gonna do myself a big favor and SCRAP the 30-Day blog challenge to a later date (maybe starting the first of December, or January, or May.. we'll see :P).

Besides, it's not like i don't have things happening in my life to keep this blog updated as it is... in fact i have PLENTY to blog about...

Like seeing Zee Avi LIVE with my sister and the boys, last thursday....
and me buying receiving my first car....
not to mention, our dear friend Syed Zikree's wedding last sunday....

and of course no post would be complete without something pregnancy related, like packing my first ever hospital bag, and a entire post where i bitch about leg cramps!!

But right now, lets just be glad with everything that we have..... and wait patiently for the next post. Toodles! :D

Die Stretch marks DIE!!!

Urgh!

I was so proud i made it thru 8 months with out getting stretch marks, varicose veins or feet swelling..... then suddenly out of NOWHERE, i noticed these red and blue bruises on my hind legs and underbelly.. pretty convenient hiding spot since im not entirely flexible right now to be able to check it out properly.

No need to tell you that i practically bathed in moisturizer after i found them... Hopefully in time it'll heal and go away.... oh dear god i hope it goes away...  huhu.

One more month to go... I'm terrified yet excited. Can't wait to meet Mr. Kicks-a-lot.

Tragedi Berulang Lagi...

Gemuk. Gila.

No, I'm not being emotional about it, but yes being fat is driving me crazy... i keep complaining like a bitch about it. But NOT really doing anything about it.

I tried to hop on the Diet Train, i was working for a bit till i fell off and began binging miserably on deliciously satisfying fatty foods. EVIL.

I joined a gym in hopes that finally having to PAY for fitness will encourage me to start paying more attention to my deteriorating body, but i have yet to step foot in the gym while blindly paying the RM185 a month out of guilt. I'm so Pathetic. Seriously.

Anyway, today i bravely stepped on the scale that i had been avoiding this pass few months. No surprise the number shown was the largest it has ever been for me – 89kg's.

No one else to blame but myself really. I let myself get this way.

It does seem superficial to some but my weight gain has changed me in a way, i'm shy around new people, i don't like to go out as much as i used to, my self esteem has taken a turn for the worst and really, it wasn't that great to begin with..

I'm becoming someone that doesn't want to be around people, and in return people are starting to dislike being around me.

Even Muuzi has seen these changes in me, and has more than once told me that i've become a negative force that is just miserable to be around. Summore it's not just my attitude but my total health in general is suffering, i get shortness of breath when i walk up to my office on the first floor, my back hurts constantly because of all the extra weight and according to some people i am starting to develop a snoring habit..... i suppose that's where i draw the line.

Anyhow, this has to end! Why put it off right?

I miss being happy about buying new clothes and going shopping, now i mostly just cringe at the thought of entering a shop, since size is always an issue.

I've been reading Alia's Dukan Blog, which is really motivating, she's lost  and she posted up this link that calculates your entire health in a summary.

Your Personal Summary

• Gender: Female
• Height: 5' 7"
• Age: 25
• Current Weight: 196 (89kgs)
• Current Pant Size: 16
• Weight Goal: Lose 2 pounds per week
• BMI: 30.7
• Waist to Height Ratio: 0.54
• Healthy Body Weight Range: 118 and 159 (52-72kgs)
• Target Heart Rate: 98 to 146 (89kgs)
• Target Caloric Intake to Meet Weight Goal: 1200

I miss this girl... can i be like this again pls??

By this i mean, confident and not bitter.

Puasa. Sabar. Irritation.

Urgh, i'm about ready to get this month over and done with,

I need a holiday,

I miss seeing my friends, and i have no time to see them cuz im always working, and for some reason have become too lazy to go out late and 'yumcha'.. and since my bukak puasa dates on weekdays are spent in the office, my weekends have been filled up with reunions and in-laws, grandparents, and family.

So many things happening lately, BANYAK DRAMA... which i thought is pretty dumb and unnecessary really, and a lot of people are just busy thinking about themselves, which i guess is fair, it's their life.

I'm just gonna think about myself and not let other peoples issues get me down.

Thanks to the many friends who read my blog being kind enuff to say im not fat. You are all a bunch of brown-nosing liars.. but i appreciate it. *Hugs*

I am trying to do something about my weight issues, it's not about vanity more a necessity. I feel horrible, and so lethargic.

Plus being a sloth is so not cute.

I'm planning to start some sort of exercise regime after raya, i hope i have time to that... sigh.

Ps: To my dear friend,
I know you are going thru a lot lately, and i've been busy with stuff and i bet you feel alone, but no worries, i'll see you soon and try and make up for all those times you had to handle it on your own. Sup Meletop jom! :D

Quarter Life Crisis.

I'm getting frustrated with everything thats going on lately.

I feel alone, and that my friends don't want to hang out with me anymore since im getting married. I feel like a boring person to be around, and that i bring everyone down.

No one wants to be around me, let alone do 'wedding related' stuff with me... up to the point my own sister told me that if she had to sit thru another wedding discussion "she'd vomit". I feel stupid talking about the wedding around my friends, i feel like a cliche. Haih.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe im in a rut. Maybe im just depressed.

Everything has been such a huge blur, one minute i'm getting engaged...

then it's suddenly 3 months to the wedding.. and nothing is done!

So due to my visible absence from the web, here's what i got done this past few weeks

- I Got my Passport did. Woot!! Honeymoon here i come! *Actually got the passport done to buy tickets for Taq's jakarta wedding, which is a week after ours. So me and muuzi thought why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone, and have the honeymoon in Jakarta.*

- Went to the tailor to get my baju bersanding made.

It's gonna be something like this, but pink and white. :)

- Met with Rudy Popshuvit @ Rudy LightRoom wedding photog extraordinaire! :) He said he'd be glad to take the wedding day pics and i was really impressed with his stuff.

- Went for my dress fitting, at PRECIOUS SS2, we took their prewedding photography package, and they gave me a beautiful white dress for the wedding day that i get to KEEP for good! Unfortunately I still had to make the sanding baju, cuz the the elders thought it would look funny, i bersanding in a white couture gown. :P But i'm still planning wearing it while doing chores around the house. :D

It's something close to this, but not exactly, but with lace sleeves! ^_^

- Then, went mattress shopping with Muuzi and Taq, which was a reasonably bad idea cuz both insisted they should try out every single mattress in the store, Muuzi especially had a lot of fun rolling around on RM70K mattresses while i pretend i have no idea who he is.

- I bought a new TV!!!!!!!! well, me and alia did at least. Say hello to our new 32inch LCD TV

Gelak puas hati gila2.. muahahahahaha

Since doing the last thing on the list, i am now flat broke. :D

Owh and also... while on the subject of brokeness, i lost my phone a few days ago. :((

honestly the saddest thing that has happen to me in a long time. I think it's karma, what goes up much come down. At least the worst has passed, now bring on the HAPPY THOUGHTS!

NAKKKKKKKKK!!!

Less than 4 months to the wedding, and still have nothing to wear. -__-

I've been to millions of bridal sites, rental shops and 'fotopages' (seriously, why do they use fotopages?) but haven't found anything remotely what i had in mind. Within a reasonable budget that is.

The closest to what i had in mind is this...

cantikkan?!! or maybe something like this would do, i'm not that picky ^_^

but it's from indonesia, and like 3 million Rupiahs (RM1200) Gah! mahal gila. huhu.

Sigh, so unless i become like a millionaire in the next few weeks, or learn to sew my own wedding dress, i'm probably never gonna find the dream dress. sigh.

owh p/s: Derma ikhlas diterima.. mekasih.

Back from the valley of Death..

So i'm back... slowly but surely i'm gonna be back on top..

Recap of whats happened so far,

-Redsquare the company that i was working for closed down due to sucky management and bad choices, so obviously im out of a job.

-My mother had a operation to remove her 'Fibroid' which a sort of growth a lot of women get in their older years.

-My boyfriend (i never say fiancee(??) cuz im not sure how to spell it. :P) was ALSO in the hospital recently for suspect heart problems, but turns out that he has something called sleep apnea (which makes it hard to breathe when he's sleeping). Now i can't sleep cuz i'm worried that he's not breathing, resulting in 2am wakeup calls to see if he's alive. So far so good. :)

-Both mom and boyfriend are doing much better now, but i am still unemployed haih. Been surviving with freelance jobs i get here and there. oh well.

life can only go up from way down here.

... it's a CLIMB (sorry to quote Miley Cyrus... but the girl's got a point.)