To the loves of my life...

It's Valentines Day, and since people make a big deal about celebrating it these days, i think it's a time to reflect on the love aspect, not the history of it. Besides, it's not the day that matters, but the reminder that you have special people in your life and you should acknowledge, and tell them you love them.... before it's too late.

And since i'm spending this day in the hospital watching over Muuzi and Mahdi as they sleep, it makes me feel so grateful that they are in my life.

For better or for worst. We are family. :)

Happy V Day.

Letter to my Son #1.

My Dearest Mahdi,

It's amazing to think that it's only been a year since you came into our lives. Since you feel as apart of us as any of our limbs, we can hardly remember our lives before you came.

I remember last year, on this very day when i first heard you crying, i was so overwhelmed with emotions that i, myself started crying... then i finally laid my eyes on you. You were powdery white, perfect except for a tiny scar on your forehead.. others would have been freaked out by this scar, but to me you were still the most beautiful little man i had ever seen. Plus, Tok Mama reckoned the scar made you look like Harry Potter. :)

Ayahanda was so happy to meet you, he was so speechless (which is rare for Ayahanda), and there was a funny incident with your poop, which happened that night while he took care of you because i was resting, it will be my most treasured memory forever.

In this ONE year, We’ve taught you about life, how to clap, about words, music, play, what love and happy means, and about important things such as how to walk and not eat strange objects from the floor.

In return, you have taught us how to be stronger, be more patient, laugh more than our stomach muscles can take, survive on minimal sleep, love deeper than we ever thought possible and pray harder everyday that tomorrow brings us closer together.

You’ve opened our eyes to what real beauty and real happiness means, and our hearts are bursting because you’re in our lives.

Soon you will be old enough to talk, walk and make friends. Remember to always share your toys, be kind to others, even if they are mean to you, keep being awesome like you are now, and never loose your spirit and zest. :)

So, As you grow up, always remember that even though sometimes We are busy, know that we are ALWAYS thinking of you. We are both working hard to give you the best life possible because me and Ayahanda love you so so very much.

Happy Birthday Sayang.

Love Always,
Mak and Ayahanda.

Mundzir and Ayesha Erickson.

If you've been reading my blog for a long time, you probably know that I am a huge fan of How i Met your Mother.

I used to feel like i was Robin, and could never imagine myself settling down.

And then i met my Marshall/Muuzi and realised i'm more like Lily.

Then i noticed that Marshall and Lily are a lot like me and Muuzi.

We have heated arguments about things sometimes, but at the end of the day what really is important is that we love each other more than we care about what we were fighting for. I give my friends this same advice, in relationships if the argument isn't really going anywhere, just give in. You are not losing anything, in fact you loose more when you stand your ground, much like Robin and Ted's relationship, where neither would budge on what they want.

Plus Lily was pregnant around the same time i was, and we face a lot of the same issues voiced out in the episodes.

Then now that they are parents, they have a hard time finding a balance between being there for their friends and trying to raise their baby Marvin/Mahdi.

Frumplestilskin...

I'm currently losing a battle with myself...

Everyday, i'm looking, therefore feeling more, and more... like a makcik.

Not Makcik like... 'hi, this is ayesha, my makcik' but more like... 'hi, this is ayesha, THE MAKCIK'...

In a effort to please my elders, i have started to dress a certain way... mostly, because it makes them happy, and secondly, i dont really want to argue about style.. because it would be pointless, and lastly, i havent lost my ideal amount of weight since the pregnancy, and frankly, im still wearing most of my maternity clothes.

I feel my self esteem has taken a dive for the worst, i dont feel like going out, because i have nothing to wear, and i dont really want to meet up with people, cuz i feel awkward out there in public.

And now, whenever i do get a chance to shop, i don't... because i feel pretty things look ridiculous on me. And i feel horrible most of the time.... the only new clothes i get is if people buy them for me, and it's usually too big, but i wear them anyway..... until one day i realise, to my horror... it has started to fit.

I don't feel like that confident, funny girl, who bagged this amazing man.. I am not this shy recluse, whos more snide than funny... I am not a MAKCIK. I refuse to go down with out a fight.

So starting today!! Im going to work on losing the FRUMPY-ness...

No more giant BROWN clothes... that look, and feel like burlaps.

No more excuses about not going to the gym.....

No more living like a hermit, and refusing to go out..

No more.

I absolutely refuse to feel insecure about how i look anymore... it's not like me. If i can do something about it, i damn well will do it.

Las Vacas yumyum

Today was a happy, happy day.

Muuzi was too sick to go to work, so he was on mc.. He's been working late all week and frankly, i think he's exhausted. So after a well deserved sleep in, we set off for a late lunch.

It so happened, that mama had just completed her online TEFL course today... so we decided to make it a celebratory late lunch. :)

After much thought we ended up going to Las Vacas in Mont Kiara... I've always wanted to try it, but i have a issue with anything thats expensive for no particular reason. RM80 for steaks??.. hells no, unless i had a good reason.

Turns out, the food was really nice. The appetizer portions were a bit small, and gone too fast, but it was yummy while it lasted.

The main dishes, were a bit more well rounded in portions. I had a 150g beef burger which came with fries, and mama had the Lamb chop. Muuzi, was still not feeling so well, so he decided to stick to his diet and ended up getting just a hotdog, which he later regretted.

After lunch, we hopped over to baskin and robbins for some dessert, Pralines and Cream on Brownie ala mode anyone?? Yummmmmmmm... Unfortunately, no pics of the ice cream, as it was so yummy we dug in instantly. 

By the time we finished 'lunch', it was almost evening so we sent mama home, and went to see the patio boys and hung out for awhile.

Bringing a nice ending to our nice and relaxing day :) Actually, any day that Muuzi is home is considered 'the best day ever'... so my standards of a 'good day' is pretty low. :)

We are family

Here's some of my fave family pictures of us three so far. :)

Mahdi and Ayahanda.

And of course Mahdi and Me.

It's sad that we don't have that many pictures together... but we don't really have time to take pics that often. But we definitely have fun as a family. 

I love my family so much. These two boys are my world. :)

It's MAY!

A lot of things to look forward to in May..

Firstly, Mahdi is officially 4 months old today!

Secondly, hopefully will celebrate my FIRST ever 'Mothers day'. :)

Thirdly, going to my best friend Jaja's wedding in Penang!

Forth, since today is holiday, im going to go see The Avengers with the boys! Hurrah!

And lastly, something i'm not excited about, is that i'm turning 27 at the end of this month. yikes. :(

Senti-MENTAL

I think my hormones are out of whack..

I've been having random burst of emotions, where i just cry my eyes out.

Maybe it's because i've been spending a lot of time alone with Mahdi this week, since Muuzi has been super busy with work, coming home late and leaving early.. and mama has been busy with her work, so suddenly i'm starting to feel like Mahdi is all i have going on in my life, and one day, he'll grow up, and leave me too. :(

I know it's a little premature to feel like this, but i can't help how i feel....

I mean he's going to be 4 months old soon.. and i still can't get over that it's been almost 4 months since i became a mom, but then, at the same time i feel like... 'what? it's only been 4 months??'

That's what i mean by my emotions being out of whack. I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm happy, I'm sad.... Its so confusing.

I'm trying to stay positive, but having no one to talk to most of the time, is starting to effect me.. so much, that when mama or Muuzi are home, i can't stop talking.... And i know they need some time to relax and unwind, but i can't stop myself from jabbering on.

I can't wait for mahdi to learn to talk... maybe then life will get more interesting. :)

Life on the Fab lane.

I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately,

About my future, and all sorts of things.

I have never like to be dependent on anyone for anything.. when we were dating, it took me awhile to get used to Muuzi paying for stuff. I'd usually have to fight him for the check.

Now, eventho i'm so thankful to him, that i have been given the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom (a job a lot of my friends really want btw)... i somehow feel bad that i can't contribute to the house and it's kinda freaking me out that my resume will be completely blank from here onwards.

Eventho my freelance jobs are great so far, and i'm working on some projects with Pizzzamagazine.com and Northern Music Festival (more on this soon), but i have still have this feeling that im not stable.

So im thinking of starting my own online business. i want to sell all the adorable things i find. Baby stuff, Moms stuff, eventually i'd like to start designing my own things to sell, those dreams are probably too big for now but u know what they say, DREAM BIG.

Problem is, i'm having a hard time coming up with a cool name for the business and domain name.

Anyone have any ideas?

I was thinking of maybe calling it www.hotmamas.com.my, but its still only a working title.

If Kimora Lee can do it, why can't we...

 

Obviously, the ultimate Hotmama

 

Muuzi ROCKS!!!

My husband spoils me SO MUCH...

I've been wanting an oven for ages, and since i've started earning my own money again, i've been saving to buy myself an oven.

Finally went down with Muuzi to BEST in OU to get one....Being the impulse shopper that he is, we ended up bring home a additional electric grill as well.

I usually frown upon Muuzi's impulse buys, but this grill was a FANTASTIC addition to our kitchen. Since we both are on a mission for healthier food, grilling things instead of frying them was a delight.

Now we have BBQ Sundays, were every weekend we'll have something yummy thats cooked on the grill for lunch. Here's some pics of our first attempt. :)

AWESOME Grilled Spinach Burgers.

Ingredients: Spinach, Cooked garlic and onions, and minced meat.

Mush ingredients into patties, and grill

Add fresh salad, dijon mayo and toasted buns. YUM!!

Family Outing

We had so much fun today..

Had lunch at The Curve with the extended family...

Mama and Mahdi boy.

Uncle Iffat taking turns with gf, babysitting mahdi and dalmar.

Cousins for life!! Dalmar Latif and lil Mahdi Latif

Dalmar drives his big boy car.

 

After lunch and some light window shopping, Muuzi decided to get a haircut at Peekaboo. I LOVE his new look. I've never seen him with a buzz cut...

Mr Muuzi's new do'

Anyway, the reason for the new look is to signify a CHANGE in our lives, where we are taking responsibility towards our lives and health... we both have decided to be more active and eat healthier, for Mahdi's sake. :)

But diet starts tomorrow, so today, we had BURGER BAKAR KAW KAW Ampang for dinner..

 

Pic taken from Sarah's instagram.... Her picture was way better than mine. :P

Sigh...

I've been in hell the last few days...

Mahdi had a slight fever (after his immunization shot), and has been needing a LOT of attention, and for some unexplained reason, suddenly is refusing to drink from his bottle... and to make matters worst, Muuzi was admitted in the hospital since Monday.. for a Gallbladder infection.

I've been shuffling back and forth with the baby to the hospital because i can't leave him at home, cuz as i mentioned he's refusing to bottlefeed. So i have to bring him everywhere i go, which is incredibly tiring....

Especially since Muuzi needs me now...

I felt like such a bad wife, leaving him to sleep alone in the hospital all those nights.. but i know Muuzi understands that Mahdi needs me more right now.

 

Mahdi all bundled up to visit ayah at DSH.

 

Muuzi in his hospital scrubs before he got discharged..

Luckily Muuzi is out now, and resting up at home, and Mahdi is back to his usual happy self. With the exception that he STILL won't drink from his bottle. Haih.

How la? Any moms out there who know how to go about this?

What is love?

Being a mother has taught me a lot about life, and watching someone grow in front of my eyes makes me put a lot of things in perspective.

Whenever mahdi looks at me, with this adoring look on his face.... i can't help but feel like he's telling me that he loves me.

It's uncomplicated love.... then it got me thinking, why is it so hard for some people to find love, when we are basically born with it.

Mahdi didn't have to learn to love me.. but he does so, regardless of my flaws.


So what is love?

I think love, is basically having someone you need more than anything else.

Its not based on personality, and superficial reasons... because my baby taught me that he doesn't need toys to be happy.

He's happy enough just having us talk to him, and cuddle him. Cuz he needs me... therefore he 'loves' me.

I feel the same way about all the other people i love... my family, Muuzi and my friends.

Muuzi, for example... i couldn't imagine my life now without him. I need him in my life, therefore i love him.

so, Basically, falling in love... is realizing that you 'need' that person in your life.

Hence why, you feel helpless when someone you love/need isn't available.

So when you find someone that 'needs' you, and you find that you 'need' them too.... never let them down. :)

The two people i need the most. :)

1 month into 2012...

What... It's february already?? Where does the time go?

My baby boy is getting so big now... It's unbelievable. I'm going to be biased and say he's the best baby in the world..

In all the hoopla of the delivery, pantang and adapting to motherhood.. I realized tht i never made a list of my New Year resolutions.

Here goes.. My 2012 New Years resolution!
- Lose the pregnancy weight...
- go to the freakin gym that u've been paying for blindly for the last year.
- Cook at home more...
- Learn masakan melayu
- Learn to bake!
- Be an awesome mom
- Refresh on photography skills
- Be there for your friends.
- Be a better wife.
- Be a happier person in general.. ( Muuzi says i frown a lot.. and i always look unhappy, which is something he says Mahdi gets from me... This must change.)
- Be POSITIVE!
- Do more vector work..
- Start concentrating on freelancing and writing for pizzzamagazine.com
- Travel more Or at least try.
- stop dressing like a hipster teenager.. And realize u are a 27 year old mother this year and should start acting and dressing like an adult (about time too)

The Delivery Story

I had been having these painful but apparently 'mild' contractions for the pass two days.. And as a result i hadn't had a good nights rest since.

I was a bit upset that my due date had passed with no sign of the baby.. So i had gone to sleep early (if u can call waking up every few mins in pain sleep.)

Anyway, i was almost asleep when i felt this searing pain in my abdomen.. Muuzi (who was in the living room) rushed into the bedroom, cuz apparently i had let out a scream of pain in my sleep..

Muuzi decided we should go to the hospital.. Again.

I wasn't too crazy about the idea of being told to go home after another round of poking and proding.. But i figured the hospital would prolly have painkillers that could b useful.

Sidetrack for a bit...
On our way to the hospital i told Muuzi to drive slowly, because i didn't want to rush there only to be told to go home.. So we took a slow drive to Selayang and were just about to turn into a flyover when suddenly, almost like slow motion.. There was this guy on a superbike that fell a few feet from us, his bike did cartwheels in flames in front of our car. While the driver skidded into the divider.. We were both so shocked and wanted to stop, but we had already entered the flyover.. And i was still having painful contractions. Luckily i saw a few cars that were behind us stopped to help the motorcyclist.. I keep thinking if we had been speeding that night, without a doubt, that cartwheeling superbike would have hit us for sure!

We arrived at the hospital about 2am, i was poked and proded as usual, but the suddenly the baby's heartbeat monitor started beeping and all the doctors and nurses started panicking around me... Nobody was telling me why it was beeping, which was annoying.

From the chatter, i realised that i was 4cm dilated and the baby was ready to come out, but the real panic was because they were discussing whether they should call Dr Roslan at 2am to deliver my baby.

Ps: Turns out, Dr Roslan was the head of the entire OBGYN department.. Meaning he was everyones boss.. And they seemed terrified at the thought of waking him up at 2am to tell him the news.

Finally they asked a senior dr (not Dr. Roslan) and decided to burst my water bag and wait for me to dilate somemore before calling Dr. Roslan at a more godly hour.

When my water bag was burst, it was uncomfortable... Hot liquid was streaming down. I started panicking... 'omg this is finally happening!'. The nurses told Muuzi to get my things, cuz we were finally going to the labor room. Muuzi had his calm face on, but i could tell he was freaking out.

We waited in the labor room for a few hours then at 4am a female Dr came in to check on me... Turns out i was still at 4cm so she gave me oxytocin to induce the labor and make dilate faster. I did not know that this meant harder, faster, stronger contractions... At one point the contraction was so painful that i literally wanted to scream out loud.. Muuzi kept me calm and told me to concentrate on my breathing (which helped a lot).

Anyway, that went on for another 4 hours when finally Dr Roslan came to check on me at 8am. I was so relieved to see him, unfortunately he didnt have good news.. I still had not dilated and was still at 4cm. He said i would need to have an emergency C Section immediately.

As soon as we agreed, i was prepped and rolled into the operating room. I was terrified and more so when i found out Muuzi couldnt be there with me.

I considered having a General Anaestetic.. So i wouldnt know what was going on but went with a spinal tap instead. I was shaking, from the fear, the still painful contractions and the fact that i was suddenly naked in a room full of people... Plus it was really cold.

As soon as the anaesteolgist did the tap i was numb from the waist down. The pain from the contractions completely stopped, it was so relaxing that i almost fell asleep. About 30 mins into the procedure i felt this jerking feeling on my abs then i heard Dr Roslan announce that the baby was out using Forceps.. A few seconds later i heard this faint cry of my baby.

Unashamed of it, i got all choked up and started crying as well (discreetly). I was relieved, but at the same time i was overwhelmed. OMG I have a son! I looked around but i couldn't see the baby, which made me want to cry even more. Suddenly the nurse came next to me and showed me this tiny pale little man. He looked at me thru his tiny sepet eyes and i said 'hi mahdi boy' :) (not an ideal story, but soon after that, i threw up... prolly due to fatigue and the fact that my stomach was stil opened on the table..)

I had some complications during the surgery, apparently my uterus did not contract normally so the placenta didn't come out naturally like it should. Dr Roslan had to take it out manually, and i lost a lot of blood... So after everything was done, i had to have 2 pints of blood transfused. Baby boy had a tiny scar on his forehead because of the forceps used.. but Dr. says it will go away by itself.

My labor was a long, painful and some parts were funny... but at the end of it, i got the most amazing little 'bundle of joy'.... But would i want to go thru all that again for another baby?

-Maybe.

Attack of the boobs.

It's day four and i am still surviving motherhood (cheers!)

Despite the intensely painful nipple problem i mentioned earlier, i am still breastfeeding..

I'm simply adamant to follow thru on this even if at the end of it my boobs deflate and will probably be worst for wear.

I did not however, expect the pain to get worse. :(

I woke up in the middle of last night to rock hard boobs... and a overwhelming amount of pain on my back. After a quick google i found out that i am currently going thru the 'engorgement' phase of breastfeeding.. basically it's when you run of on collestrum and start having real milk, which then fills up your breast like inflated water balloons (but less fun).

My mother scrambled to find the Tommee Tippee breastpump we had bought a few weeks ago (luckily) in preparation for the birth.. after a quick read of the instructions, i started pumping away the pain...

To my surprise, the nipple pain was relieved as well.. which was a blessing. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt like hell, but at least it was manageable.

I managed to express two small containers of milk, and then went back to sleep.. only to be woken up a couple more times that night by Mahdi..

By 7am this morning, i literally felt like dying. Forget the major abdominal surgery i had, my breast had forsaken me and were burning up. Those last few late night feeds took it's toll on my already fragile nipples and basically left them tattered.

I woke up to Mahdi crying for more milk (which he does every hour).. and i started crying too.

I felt like i should be able to be stronger than this, and give my baby everything he needs.. i was distraught. Finally Muuzi said we should use the milk that i expressed the previous night, at least that give my breast a few hours to rest and heal. I was reluctant to try.. because i had read about nipple confusion, and how newborns should wait at least 4 weeks before being introduced to bottle teats.. but i was desperate.

Mahdi took to the bottle like a champion, and i have to say i was relieved to not have to feed him for awhile.. My plan now is to alternate between a bottle and the breast so that he gets used to both, and i can get some rest and have some time to heal.

 

My little champion at 4 days old

Cracked to hell...

I never thought i would ever feel a worse pain than the contractions a had while in labor...

I was wrong. 

Warning TMI:
While trying to get accustomed to breastfeeding Mahdi, i somehow managed to get cracked nipples..

I swear.. it's the most painful thing ever.

Everyone tells you how painful giving birth is, but no one bothers to tell you how you will feel like absolute shit afterwards. It's come to the point when Mahdi cries for milk... i wanna cry too.

It's a real struggle cuz i am adamant on giving Mahdi breastmilk for as long as i can.. but it's only been a few days and i feel hopeless and want to give up already. :(

At least i can go home today... and Alia's buying me some Buds nipple cream thats suppose to help heal them. I really hope it works cuz i'm about to reach my pain limit.

Edit: So far this sort of works for immediate relief... but it's kind of gross cuz you have to let it dry up before putting on a bra. It's not like i have all the time in the world to go around topless, trying to dry out my nipples. So in this case the breastpump was the best cure.

It's finally OVER...

I simply cannot explain the feeling i have right now.

It might seem sappy beyond words but it's just an amazing miracle that has made all the shit i've gone thru in the pass few months worth it.

My baby boy is finally here, and i couldn't be happier.

So without further a due, i'm extremely proud to introduce my little angel,

Muhammad Mahdi Latif bin Mundzir.

 

born on New Years Eve, 31st December 2011, 9.44am at a healthy 3.1kg's.

 

First family picture ever. :)

I am currently overwhelmed by motherhood, and relieved that everything went well.. details on the delivery process coming soon. :)

Happy New Year everybody! 

xoxo!

Oh Crap!!

After days and days of complaining about when the baby would actually show up... I've been stumped!

Warning TMI:
i just found some blood on my undies.. (since i haven't my period in awhile.. I was freaked!)

I googled it and found out that 'bloody show' is one of the many delightful sympthoms of labor.. Which means in 24 hours (if all goes well) im going to have a baby!!!!

I am now suddenly freaking out. Yet excited!

Yet scared out of my frickin mind!! Weirdly i haven't had any contractions yet.. Just his usual poking and prodding.

But then again i still don't really know what a real contraction feels like!!! I'm gonna wait this one out and see what happens then. Will update soon!!!

Things i'm looking forward to...

The days are passing now faster then ever nowadays... almost like magic.

I'm on constant contraction watch, yet i'm not really sure what a contraction feels like... i tried reading about it but most of the blogs and forums all have different ideas of what a contraction feels like. But, most of them agree that when we get them, you know immediately.

But in my case, i have a rather high tolerance of pain and practically feel discomfort most of the time now and it's really starting to toy with my head... 'wait... was that a contraction? or is the baby trying to tear up my uterus from the inside?' and then it stops and a day later, still no baby.

However thru the constant anxiety of waiting to pop, i decided to focus on all the things i'm looking forward to doing when i am no longer pregnant (honestly, i feel like i've been pregnant forever)...

Here's a list of the 'Things i'm looking forward to'...

• Sleeping/Rolling on my tummy... i miss this so much, it's so unnatural.
• Eating a big helping of RAW sushi... with extra ebiko and fresh salmon!! yummmm..

• Jumping... Running... Dancing... things i wouldn't miss until they said i couldn't do it anymore.
• Climb ladders and lift heavy objects on my own.. and not wait around helplessly for people to decide to help me (which might take AEONS)
• Getting a JOB!!! Going back to work is my ultimate goal... even with a 7 month gap in my resume, i really, really want to work again... for fear i might lose my mind completely.
• Wearing JEANS!!!!!!! OMG, how i miss the felling of wearing a rusty, tight fitting pair of jeans... it's insane. After this i'm swearing off ALL ELASTIC PANTS.
• while we are on the subject of clothes, i can't wait to buy something that fits me normally... something that doesn't need to be stretchable would be nice..
• relatives/strange people-i-dont-know not being able to touch my belly sesuka hati mereka.. just because i'm sharing my body with another person, doesn't mean i wanna share it with you.
• I'm looking forward to not being pregnant... and oddly looking forward to being treated like a person who nobody cares about not like i'm made of glass and will shatter into a million pieces with the slightest mistreatment.
• But lastly, i'm just looking forward to meeting my little man, who's been keeping me up late at night with his kicking and moving around... i already have a feeling he's going to be a handful but i'm sure seeing him for the first time will make the last 9 months of not doing the things above, worth it.

Although i have a couple of weeks to go... i have a feeling that i might be celebrating a birthday sooner than expected. :)