Project Me Me Me.

Ever since i've started working again, ive decided to be kind to myself and start rewarding myself from time to time. I've also decided to put some serious effort into my appearance, because lets face it. i've definitely been too comfortable and i've let myself go. (as you can see in this picture taken below.)

As you can CLEARLY see in this picture
- my hair is dry and gross.
- I'm horrendously overweight... last night i scaled in at a whopping 90kgs.   Woh.
- my skin is dull and pale
- my back hurts all the time
- my bones are creaky (ok, this cannot see, but im telling you)
- as you can see, my neck is slowly vanishing as my chin expands. Not acceptable.
- and somehow i feel like my teeth have moved and my gums are receding, making my more 'jongang' than i previously was.

And to be fair, most of these are due to poor maintenance of myself after giving birth
ie: not drinking enuff milk. hence the creaky bones and the receeding gums due to an iron defiency i had during my pregnancy

my gym membership has been on hold for the past few months, so this November its going to be reactivated. And i will have no excuse but to go and get fit! 

I've been slowly paying more attention my skin and hair, more conditioning, using moisturizer before i sleep, those kind of things. However i found this GNC Hair, Skin & Nails Formula Supplement... does anyone know if it works? I was thinking of trying it out and see if it works. I've read mostly positive reviews so far.

I also recently had a haircut with bangs, which helped frame my face back a bit... so it doesn't look as huge as it did in the above photo.

As for my teeth, it's pretty obvious the solution is 'GO TO THE DENTIST'. But i'm stubborn and maybe i tiny bit afraid.. Which is so embarrassing as i am a grown woman.

Haih, no worries. Slowly but surely, i am going to fix all these things about myself, and hopefully be the happier, and no doubt hotter wife and mother. :)

My Gymboree Experience.

Mahdi and me went to check out Gymboree last weekend.

I signed up for a free class via their website, made an appointment and invited Nana and her son Danish to come with us.

The class was ok, truthfully, i was more interested in seeing how Mahdi would react being around kids his own age than actually joining the classes fulltime, i was skeptical that the classes would be any good.

So the class began, it was ok la... lots of singing, dancing and movements with the baby, clapping but honestly, we do this kind of stuff at home for free with My mom. Then came the obstacle courses, where the babies had to pick up balls, and put them in a basket, then pass the ball to and from each other.... of course Mahdi had no problem with these because we do it all the time at home as well.

During the crawling exercise the 'teacher' made Mahdi and Danish do some harder stuff because they were more advanced than most of the babies, crawling up hills and stuff. This was the only part of the class i actually enjoyed, because i wouldn't have known he could do that if i hadn't come to this class.

Our handsome little men. :)

Because he usually spends most of his time with adults it was fun to see him interacting with babies his own age. Roughly 40 mins into the class, it ended. Then they REAL fun began.

Both me and Nana were given a salesgirl each, and they pitched us to join the program... 36 classes for RM2500+, Plus membership fees RM300+ all to be paid upfront. Obviously this is a BIG decision, since it involves thousands of ringgit. So i told the girl i'd think about it, and discuss it with Muuzi. She agreed and started hassling me for a RM150 deposit 'to hold the spot' for Mahdi, because they are incredibly full.

I declined, and said i'd take my chances.. and come back once we had made a decision. Then she gave me a survey to fill and then left...

As i was filling up the survey, the store manager (this lady apparently manages all three gymboree stores) came up to me and started pitching me all over again. I told her that i had to discuss it with Muuzi first, but she kept insisting that i put down a deposit. I finally resorted into saying even if i wanted to, i didnt have rm150 cash on me at the moment... then this lady, practically pressured me into showing her the contents of my wallet.

I should have left there and then, honestly. But im a sucker for avoiding confrontation, and she was really bullish about it. So i checked my wallet and told her i had about rm50+... she said she would hold my rm50 till i make a decision, then i can come back with my receipt and get my money back.

So for the sake of getting the hell out of there, i gave her the rm50. Grabbed Mahdi and ran out of there as fast as i could.

Anyway, i got home, then told Muuzi about the class, he was interested in joining... until i told him how much it cost. RM2800+ to sing and play with bubbles?! No way. So i called Gymboree and told them i'm not joining, and i want to come by and get my deposit back. Then they said, sorry. No Refunds.

WT-AREYOUSERIOUS-F.

They said, i could redeem my RM50 and join another class.. but 1 class is RM68 in value, so i'd have to top up RM18.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT!!???!!!!!

Tuhan saja yang tahu kemarahan pada saat itu.

I mean, it's a great program, but why so hardsell? Honestly, if your program is good... then people will join. Why do you need to strong arm people into peeling open their wallets???

Don't give out 'FREE' classes then expect deposits there and then.

Of course my family says its my fault, for giving her the money in the first place. Maybe it is... but i definitely feel like i was robbed and cheated, and i am NEVER EVER EVER going there again. It's ok, we'll survive without. Thanks.

Seriously...

Should i just get this shirt and get it over with?

It still keeps happening to me. It is soooo embarrassing. Now i tend to stay near the door, and not make eye contact, so no one offers me their seat. Something has to be done.

This is freaking ridiculous.

FIRST DAY!!

FML.

I was all pumped up for my first day on the job, that i got all excited when Izhan dropped me off at Bangsar LRT.

Sidenote: I decided to commute by LRT to Masjid Jamek, because i don't really feel that comfortable driving to KL during peak hours, plus there is no place to park here.

Anywayyyyy, i got in the LRT, and suddenly this lady, practically jumped out of her seat, to give me her chair. I thought nothing of it, until i realized, she thought i was pregnant........

Not really her fault, but OMG newsflashhhh!! am i THAT FAT now????

This past 8 months of seclusion has made me blind. I have been avoiding mirrors, out of spite, but i had no idea i was so fat that someone would think i was still pregnant. -_-

Needless to say, by the time i reached my office to start my first day, my confidence had shriveled to shit. Haih.

For those who didn't know:

I think it's safe to say, that unless you see her tummy moving, or a baby peeking out of her Vajajay, lets all assume that she's not pregnant.

Ps: The new job turned out to be awesome btw, everyone is really nice... should be a good fit. :)

Shit just got real.

Reading about heartless people dumping babies really breaks my heart.

How could anyone do that to something so beautiful.

Even so after carrying the baby a full 9 months and delivering it, how could they do that after feeling the baby's heart beating and move inside them? I cannot fathom it....

And it's not just the unforgivable act...but the surprising large amount of cases that happen in this country...

Taken from the STAR:

PETALING JAYA: There has been a spike in the number of baby-dumping incidences since 2010.

After dropping from 102 cases in 2008 to 79 in 2009, the figure increased to 91 and 98 in 2010 and 2011 respectively.

So far this year, 31 cases were reported, Women, Family and Community Development Ministry deputy secretary-general Harjeet Singh said. He said the increasing numbers could be due to more reports being made and society becoming aware of the scourge.

He said feedback from counselling sessions and case studies at several shelter homes for those aged under 18 listed peer pressure and lack of knowledge about reproductive health as the two most important factors that led to unwanted pregnancies.

Delivering the message: Students looking at posters of the ‘Say No to Baby Dumping’ seminar in Sunway.

“The desire to fit in influenced many teenagers into adopting the lifestyle of their peers,” he said after launching a “Say No to Baby Dumping” seminar here.

Harjeet said teenagers mixed freely with little parental supervision these days.

“Sometimes, the in-thing among them is to go to parties or have intimate relationships with their partners,” he said, adding that many of the young were not educated on how to avoid getting into such situations.

Syarhah Mohamed Tahir, a project administrator at OrphanCARE, said some underage teens were coaxed into having intimate relationships while others believed that their partners were truly in love with them.

OrphanCARE is an NGO that was started in 2008 to help expedite the adoption process for abandoned babies and children in orphanages. Consultant clinical psychologist Dr Alvin Ng Lai Oon said it was more important for teenagers to be taught skills to deal with unwanted pregnancies.

“If it happens, they should be taught how to manage it. An unwanted pregnancy is not the end of the world,” he said.

A few issues i have with this, firstly, preaching about abstinence and teaching children about safe sex is all good and dandy, but somehow i feel that it's a little unrealistic. What we need is emphasis that the crime isn't getting pregnant, but the killing of the innocent baby.

Other than that, i feel (i'm going to get into a lot of trouble for this.. but screw it), I FEEL, that government hospitals/clinics should allow for abortions. I know, it's terrible of me to think that. But, as long as the fetus, is not yet a baby, and after evaluating all other options (adoption and such), deeming that the mother, is unfit and not ready to have a child, she should be allowed to have an abortion. IF, she is over 18, regardless of her religion, she should be able to do so, without parental consent.

The problem in this country is FEAR.

FEAR, that people are going to find out.

FEAR, that my parents will scold me.

FEAR, that no one will want to marry me now.

Everyone is so afraid, but unfortunately no one is afraid enough of god. Because if they were, they wouldn't have had premarital sex in the first place, they are more afraid of 'what people think' that they don't want to deliver the baby in a hospital where people would judge them, but rather deliver alone in a dumpster.

Takut, of all the things that don't matter.

These CHILDREN matter.

They are unwanted by their parents, but they could have been
adopted by a family who would have loved them.

These women should be caught and charged with murder, and put in jail forever.. I don't care how young/naive they are. They obviously have no respect for life. 

Nuff said.

Frumplestilskin...

I'm currently losing a battle with myself...

Everyday, i'm looking, therefore feeling more, and more... like a makcik.

Not Makcik like... 'hi, this is ayesha, my makcik' but more like... 'hi, this is ayesha, THE MAKCIK'...

In a effort to please my elders, i have started to dress a certain way... mostly, because it makes them happy, and secondly, i dont really want to argue about style.. because it would be pointless, and lastly, i havent lost my ideal amount of weight since the pregnancy, and frankly, im still wearing most of my maternity clothes.

I feel my self esteem has taken a dive for the worst, i dont feel like going out, because i have nothing to wear, and i dont really want to meet up with people, cuz i feel awkward out there in public.

And now, whenever i do get a chance to shop, i don't... because i feel pretty things look ridiculous on me. And i feel horrible most of the time.... the only new clothes i get is if people buy them for me, and it's usually too big, but i wear them anyway..... until one day i realise, to my horror... it has started to fit.

I don't feel like that confident, funny girl, who bagged this amazing man.. I am not this shy recluse, whos more snide than funny... I am not a MAKCIK. I refuse to go down with out a fight.

So starting today!! Im going to work on losing the FRUMPY-ness...

No more giant BROWN clothes... that look, and feel like burlaps.

No more excuses about not going to the gym.....

No more living like a hermit, and refusing to go out..

No more.

I absolutely refuse to feel insecure about how i look anymore... it's not like me. If i can do something about it, i damn well will do it.

A weighty subject..

If u've been following my blog, u'll know that i've been struggling with weight issues for the last few years.

I went from being 68kgs to being 86kgs in 2 years.

Theres a lot of reasons for this, and i've pin pointed a few, which are mainly lack of excersize and fast foods.

During the first trimester.. I had very bad morning sickness, which made it very hard for me to keep down food.

So i loss about 10kgs in those 3 months.. Then put it all back on during the next 6 months of the pregancy. Before delivering Mahdi i was 89kgs.. The heaviest i had ever been.

And now post delivery... I am now down to 82kgs. But i have seem to have reached a stopping point with the weightloss.

I was at tok's house this weekend and a relative who i seldom see asked me when was my baby due?... I said i already had my baby, and im just fat.

So how am i gonna lose the rest of this weight? Ideally, i'd like to be back to 68kgs. Ut honest i'd settle for anything under 75.

Maybe i should start the dukan diet again. It seemed to be working. Plus im staying at home, so theres no reason i cant watch what i eat.

According to Dukan i can lose 15kgs in 3 months. But i'll have to check if i should be dieting while im breastfeeding. Kesian Mahdi kene diet secara tak langsung. We'll see how.

Awesomusktika...

That would probably my Intoxibella name... *rolls eyes*

Is anyone watching Cycle 18 of America's Next Top Model???

 I love watching ANTM, I've watched almost every season... but i feel like Tyra has gone and lost her damn mind. I cannot STAND to listen to her speak anymore... She's making up all this fake words that are now somehow supposed to mean something.

Here's some words Tyra invented and their meanings.
Smize = smiling with your eyes.
Booty Tooch = Sticking out ur butt to make it more pronounced.
HtoT = Head to Toe.
Intoxibella = Super Model.
Fiercely Real = Fat chicks

Now she's trying to spread her crazy into the world by giving the model 'SUPER' names...

Which are soooo ridiculous, my eyes hurt from rolling them too much.

Names like Exotica, 30-Never, Next-Doorsia, Excite-To-Buy, Gam-A-Tronica, Zagilicious and of course Andro-Genia....

*EYES ROLLING!!!!*

I also hate that i'm somewhat intrigued to read Tyra's Modelland book... I'm sure it'll be hidiously stupid, since the main characters name is Tookie De la Creme... it's already enuff for me to want to VOM.

 

Did anyone read it yet? Let me know how terrible it is... i mean, if i can read Twilight.. i can prolly stomach anything.

Me and my FLAT hair...

I need to go to a saloon and/or the gym....

or least go out and let my hair soak up some good old vitamin D (which comes from the sun, fyi)...

All this staying indoors is making my hair very flat, dull and lifeless... not to mention making me fat and lazy.

Seriously, i went from THIS....

     to this 

WTH!!

Lets not even get into the fact that picture 1, is about 10kgs lighter than picture 2.....

THIS IS UNfriggin ACCEPTABLE!!!!! I gotta do something about this now before this....

 

turns into

 

THIS!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

The False Alarm

Sigh...

After spending a few droning hours in Selayang Hospital to get checked out.. it was concluded that i AM currently in early labor.

But it's really early, so it might take a couple more days.. urgh.
I really feel discouraged... like this is never gonna end.

Hemorrhoids from Hell

Caution: This post may involve TOO MUCH INFORMATION... and filled with GROSS details.

OMGness, i don't even know where to start... i recently fell victim to the horrors of pregnancy hemorrhoids...

I was in agonizing pain last night, and there wasn't really much i could do to relieve the pain. I could barely sleep all night, my ass felt like it was on fire... a feeling i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

By this morning, my condition did not change much, so Muuzi marched me to see my doctor.

Anyway, thankfully Dr Kamaljit fixed me up.. and gave me a bunch of meds and tips to get thru the next few days in one piece.

I'm still revving in pain.. so i'm just going to rest and relax for the rest of the day.

PS: Dear fellow future moms, if you are unlucky enuff to contract hemorrhoids like me... GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!


It's embarrassing as hell, and not to mention gross... but apparently if not treated, it gets so much worst and can create complications during child birth.

Till the sweat drips down my ballz....

'Skeet skeet skeeeeet '

Never has Lil John's words made so much sense to me before... almost 32 weeks into this pregnancy and i'm starting to feel all it's side effects at one go.

Sleep Deprivation *check*
Constipation *check*
Acid Reflux *check*
Bloating *check*
Swelling *check*
Anxiety *check* *check* and double *check*

and newest and most recent, hormonal gift, along with increased blood flow to the skin and increased metabolism, it makes me sweat like a linebacker...

Urghhhhh... i can't wait for this to be OVER!! Only 8 or according to my Dr might be 6 weeks to go!!!

ps: that still have not made any difference in that stupid room... it's too hot, theres no fan, the boxes are too heavy, i'm so freakin helpless and it's starting to piss me off.

Insomnia and Baby room obsession..

In case you didn't already know this, one of the awesome pregnancy side effects that come with anxiety, mood swings, fuzzy memory, bloating and acid reflux... is insomnia.

Yay fun.

So not only am i already cranky, moody and sore all over.... now i can't sleep properly. So unfair.

I think the insomnia is mainly caused by the anxiety of things to be done... like the baby shower, and getting all the things on the list, and making the storeroom into a nursery, and giving birth and parenting anxiety in general.....

ps: This is unfortunately only half the mess.... which i could take
panoramic picture of the entire mess i'm dealing with. -_-

Plus with Muuzi working all weekends, and mama disappearing every so often.. i'm left obsessing about the nursery by myself, and honestly it's driving me crazy that i can't carry all these boxes and move the cupboard by myself. Urgh.

I seriously recommend god make super strength one of the side effects of pregnancy, instead of making us so freaking fragile and weak. -_-

It's so freaking frustrating... i find myself just standing at the nursery door and staring at the mess trying to figure out where am i going to put all this junk... and on top of this drama, i'm so tired since i can't sleep. Which is making me more pissed off than anything.

I seriously pity the fool who crosses me today.

How i wish...

I could depend on the person i really need right now..

But all i keep getting from her is negativity, paranoia and superstition..

How is telling me that she had a dream that she was holding a baby with no hands suppose to make me feel? Or that theres a 'jin' following me around trying to take my baby away..

I wish she'd stop forcing the idea of a c-section on me.. Just because you did it, doesn't mean doing it any other way is stupid.

Seriously, i wish she could just listen to the things she says before she says them..

I feel like i really really need my mother right now, someone to tell me everything will be ok, not someone to put more negativity in my already pro-negative mind.

An the anxiety creeps in...

I've been having some trouble sleeping lately, being pregnant for me has been an emotional roller coaster..

The anxiety of worrying about my little one.. the constant checking of baby forums on various things that worry me, like the way i sleep, or how hot can my showers be, or the types of food i've been eating...

There's more but i can't remember..

Anyway, i've been an emotional wreck, but not many people to talk to about it, cuz i don't want to put my negative feelings out there..

I'm terrified most days.. and as we count down towards the due date, i get worse.

The weird thing is, i'm not even scared of the whole birthing process.. but more like concern if the baby is going to be ok and healthy, or if he'll have 11 fingers instead of 10.. and even if he is born healthy and perfect despite me and everything i am, am i going to be a good mom?

*more proof of my 'emotional wreckness'.. i'm getting all choked up just thinking about this now*

Honestly, I don't know.. i guess we'll find out in about 19 weeks.

*sigh.. it's ok baby... i know how you feel. :( *

OMGWTFWEI!!!!!

I'm so pissed off!!

This is the absolute LAST TIME, i'm trusting that dumbass with something even vaguely important.

Cannot be trusted, so fucking irresponsible. Bukannya kene buat benda susah pon.

Nak hantar a simple email pon kene tunggu berminggu, apetah lagi suruh buat benda penting.


OMG I WANNA STRANGLE YOU SO BADLY!!!!


Useless.

Seriously, email/sms tak reti reply, phone tak reti angkat. Take your RM2k smartphone and SHOVE IT somewhere u might appreciate it more. Wanker.

I have a good mind to just quit

Tragedi Berulang Lagi...

Gemuk. Gila.

No, I'm not being emotional about it, but yes being fat is driving me crazy... i keep complaining like a bitch about it. But NOT really doing anything about it.

I tried to hop on the Diet Train, i was working for a bit till i fell off and began binging miserably on deliciously satisfying fatty foods. EVIL.

I joined a gym in hopes that finally having to PAY for fitness will encourage me to start paying more attention to my deteriorating body, but i have yet to step foot in the gym while blindly paying the RM185 a month out of guilt. I'm so Pathetic. Seriously.

Anyway, today i bravely stepped on the scale that i had been avoiding this pass few months. No surprise the number shown was the largest it has ever been for me – 89kg's.

No one else to blame but myself really. I let myself get this way.

It does seem superficial to some but my weight gain has changed me in a way, i'm shy around new people, i don't like to go out as much as i used to, my self esteem has taken a turn for the worst and really, it wasn't that great to begin with..

I'm becoming someone that doesn't want to be around people, and in return people are starting to dislike being around me.

Even Muuzi has seen these changes in me, and has more than once told me that i've become a negative force that is just miserable to be around. Summore it's not just my attitude but my total health in general is suffering, i get shortness of breath when i walk up to my office on the first floor, my back hurts constantly because of all the extra weight and according to some people i am starting to develop a snoring habit..... i suppose that's where i draw the line.

Anyhow, this has to end! Why put it off right?

I miss being happy about buying new clothes and going shopping, now i mostly just cringe at the thought of entering a shop, since size is always an issue.

I've been reading Alia's Dukan Blog, which is really motivating, she's lost  and she posted up this link that calculates your entire health in a summary.

Your Personal Summary

• Gender: Female
• Height: 5' 7"
• Age: 25
• Current Weight: 196 (89kgs)
• Current Pant Size: 16
• Weight Goal: Lose 2 pounds per week
• BMI: 30.7
• Waist to Height Ratio: 0.54
• Healthy Body Weight Range: 118 and 159 (52-72kgs)
• Target Heart Rate: 98 to 146 (89kgs)
• Target Caloric Intake to Meet Weight Goal: 1200

I miss this girl... can i be like this again pls??

By this i mean, confident and not bitter.

Hello world..

To my tragically ignored blog,

It's not that i don't love you anymore, it's just that, .... well i don't really have a reason really. Talking about myself, and stuff that happens to me doesn't give me the same thrill that it used to.

Firstly, it's probably because my husband is sorta 'well known', so i can't really openly share our lives because, it might end up (touch wood) on some obscure gossip rag such as OhBulan or (godforbid) Mangga!.. and excluding him from my post about my life, is kinda like censoring 75% of my life already.

Secondly, the remaining 25% of my life without Muuzi is just freaking boring. Late nights and weekends at the office, my driving classes on the weekend when im NOT working, and occasionally lepaking with my now one bestfriend, who's usually busy doing her own thing anyway.

Even Alia and Mama are too busy to hangout with me, frankly i've seen Alia ONCE, since she moved out after the wedding. Mama pulak, just started her own business with her friend Devi (from Devi's corner bangsar) and is now selling her famous roast chicken from 6pm onwards. So with me working from morning to night and her working from evening til midnight. I rarely see her either. I haven't had time to go to see tok in Melawati either, which i REALLY should do. :( haih...

I wish there was more days in a week and more hours in a day,
I wish i were rich, and didn't need to work,
i wish i could freaking DRIVE!
I wish i had a car...
I wish i had a proper topic to talk about in this blog post rather the same old excuses post about time management. Duh.

ps: Cherish your loved ones, cuz you never know when a giant wave will take them all away.

i wish for world peace.

Kecoh sial

I am sick and tired of your bloody kecohness..

Like everything you do is so fucking better than anyone else...

SO BLOODY KECOH...

For no reason at all.

Get a bloody grip on reality and stop the kecohness.

No one BLOODY CARES!!!

Quarter Life Crisis.

I'm getting frustrated with everything thats going on lately.

I feel alone, and that my friends don't want to hang out with me anymore since im getting married. I feel like a boring person to be around, and that i bring everyone down.

No one wants to be around me, let alone do 'wedding related' stuff with me... up to the point my own sister told me that if she had to sit thru another wedding discussion "she'd vomit". I feel stupid talking about the wedding around my friends, i feel like a cliche. Haih.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe im in a rut. Maybe im just depressed.